Kill Him Now!

Kill Him Now

Some guy in a hooded, black cloak throws his 3D glasses and leftover popcorn against the wall.

Emma sighs. Great, another fan upset at Episode VIII. Yesterday, nerds in brown cloaks were causing trouble; today, it’s someone dressed as Palpatine.

Leaving the broom by the wall, Emma walks up to this guy. “Excuse me, sir, can you pl—”

He turns to face her. She half-expected a cheap Palpatine mask but instead it’s a skull.

“I am breaking up with Star Wars.”

Emma puts on a smile. “Sir, can you please pick up the glasses and leave?”

Two empty eye sockets bore down at her. “Does it look like I need those glasses? I want my money back.”

The crowd around them starts mumbling… “Yeah, what the hell was that?” – “I have to wash my eyes now.” – “We want a refund!”

Emma’s eyes dart around at the unhappy patrons. Oh shit, there’s gonna be a riot. Those who are coming in for the next session stop to watch the commotion.

She sighs. “It’s not policy to refund after—”

“Your policy is irrelevant,” says Death. The Farce Awakens is already a nonsensical copy of Episode IV and this is far, far worse.”

“Sir, I sympathize but there’s nothing I can do.”

Death raises an ossifying hand, clinched into a tight fist. “The originals are full of adventure and the prequels has its problems but they at least have a recognizable plot; these so-called films are sinful failures. I am divorcing myself of Star Wars.”

Emma inches back. “Well, can you not finalize the divorce here?”

“Not until I have my money back. And for Episode VII as well which, by the way, I still have my receipt; then I am going to pay Jar Jar Abrams and this Johnson a visit.”

“Let’s kill Jar Jar!” – “Yeah, he ruined Trek too!” – “Kill him! Kill him now!”

Emma desperately looks for a fellow worker but there’s no one around to help her out… She holds up both hands. “Please… please wait here. I’ll get the manager.”

Then a man steps in between Emma and Death. “Look, can you sort this out elsewhere? I’m about to see it and I don’t want spoilers.”

Death scans the crowd… then reaches under his cloak and whips out a gleaming, black staff. A distinct buzz follows as a red, glowing tube extends from its top, perpendicular to the shaft. Emma’s eyes widen. So does the man’s.

“I am going to spare you the experience of seeing it. Jump to lightspeed unless you want to see my impersonation of Emo Ren.”

Glances are exchanged… followed by running and screaming as Death decommissions the cinema.


“Kill Him Now!” was the winner of The Deus Ex Lover Award at Needle In The Hay, January 2018.