>> login: Thanatos
>> count(member_name, “SkullBook”)

Thanatos Thanatos: Master, your new social media platform is exceeding expectations.

DE4TH DE4TH: Yes, these fools love surveilling and profiling themselves to their own demise. But it is early days, my dear canine enforcer. Run the scan we discussed.

>> scan(post_freq>=9.5, group_name, “SkullBook”)

Thanatos Thanatos: It’s running… I’m concerned that even this tool will not compensate for your recent diminishment of powers.

DE4TH DE4TH: Leave that to me, my loyal quadruped.

DE4TH DE4TH: And have you seen Scythe #152 with the carbon-fibre handle?

Thanatos Thanatos: No, but I shall sniff for it. Scan complete. Here are the most “active” groups.

[KeepLeft], [ClimateChangeIsReal], [BanRotties], [Project_Immortality], [Celebr8Atheism], [MoreFreePorn], [ThyKitchenReeks]…


Petrus Petrus: Hey sis, you seeing this?

Bertha Bertha: Yes, on your wall. You can send a PM instead but I guess you like marking walls.

Petrus Petrus: Very droll… says the littermate who leaves her toys everywhere.

Bertha Bertha: Fortunately, none of my pups do that! Anyway, this is the SkullBook group I was telling you about.

Bertha>> [BanRotties] updated 1hr ago

Petrus Petrus: Reading now…

Petrus Petrus: WTF?! These douchebags don’t know jack! I’m very good with children.

Bertha Bertha: And what do you know about douchebags?

Petrus Petrus: My new job is at the hospital so I see plenty in the storeroom.

Bertha Bertha: Security?

Petrus Petrus: Nah, therapy for the sick and dying.

Bertha Bertha: Speaking of security, seen Huntress lately?

[BanRotties] updated 1min ago

Petrus Petrus: She’s busy sniffing coke. And pot.

Bertha Bertha: O_O

Petrus Petrus: At the airport, I mean.

Bertha Bertha: That’s alright then. I thought she specialized in explosives?

Petrus Petrus: She’s trying to expand her skillset.

[News6] “Car Smash at West Tunnel”

Bertha Bertha: Good for her! Anyway, I invited you to join because I think we should start a group standing up for our breed. Think Thanatos can help?

Petrus Petrus: He occasionally appears at the palliative wing with some tall odourless guy. Says it’s work related. Haven’t seen him in recent weeks. I do worry about him.

[Weather] updated 1min ago

Bertha Bertha: It’s weird when a master gives a name with more than two syllables. Oh well… at least he’s well-connected and highly paid.

PM From: Thanatos
To: Petrus, Bertha, Huntress
Subject: Request
My dear siblings, I require your assistance. One of my master’s agricultural implements is missing.
Can you all please search the areas surrounding your home and workplaces?

Reply from Petrus:
Sure but we need a favor too. I know you can’t talk about your work much but any chance your connections can help with this silly group [BanRotties]?

Reply from Thanatos:
I’m aware of these worms… will discuss when I visit you all.

>> login: Thanatos
>> open(temp_chatroom_13, encrypt=777.22.51)
>> invite(Petrus)

Thanatos Thanatos: Good seeing you again this afternoon.

Petrus Petrus: Same here, although I prefer you not sniffing my scrotum so closely.

Thanatos Thanatos: I apologize. I was merely maintaining my cover. I suspect the research wing of the hospital is conducting some nefarious experiments.

Petrus Petrus: Interesting… I’ve detected strange odours there too, for a few weeks now. It’s familiar but elusive, like human blood but also something else, something inedible.

Thanatos Thanatos: Noted. I have forwarded the [BanRotties] member list and their addresses to Huntress.

Petrus Petrus: Why Huntress?

Thanatos Thanatos: Two words: “confiscated” and “materiel”.

Petrus Petrus: Get ya. Grr. Grr.

Thanatos Thanatos: WOL (Well, we Rottweilers don’t usually “Woof Out Loud” but you know what I mean.)

Petrus Petrus: And Bertha?

Thanatos Thanatos: She is busy with five sucklings and three of her master’s younglings. Better if she stays out of this. Let her do things her way.

>> vpn_login: Thanatos

Thanatos Thanatos: Master, I have tracked Scythe #152 to the hospital in Sector 984. I suspect it is related to our current problem.

DE4TH DE4TH: Proceed.


[News6] “Random Wi-Fi Explosions Rock Suburbs”

[RottiesRock] has been created

Bertha Bertha: I’ve been working on our new page. Where have you all been?

[News99] “Anonymous Tip Sparks Mass Drug Busts”

[] “Phantom Beast Unveils Hospital’s Unethical Research”

Huntress Huntress: Busy.

[BanRotties] is dead

[Project_Immortality] is dead

Petrus Petrus: Been busy. Sorry. Talk soon.

>> vpn_login: Thanatos

Thanatos Thanatos: Recovered Scythe #152. My brother’s nose provided some good intel. The humans were attempting immortality by utilizing the scythe’s energy to transplant douchebags into their cranium to alter brain function.

DE4TH DE4TH: Acknowledged. Seen Scythe #48 anywhere?


“SkullBook” was the winner of the Bertie Beats The Tweets Award at Needle In The Hay, June 2016.